We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
