On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
50% drunk capacity currently
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
