mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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