oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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