Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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