Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
