You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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