I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
