Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
