After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
