Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
