There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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