she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
