HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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