My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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