I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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