So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
