I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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