in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
