Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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