i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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