Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
