I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
