True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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