my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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