my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
