I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
