His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
