remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
