I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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