I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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