haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
