I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
