What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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