honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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