Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
