My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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