I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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