your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
