I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
