hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
