I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
