hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
