Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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