my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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