Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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