Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
