theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
