why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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