It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
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At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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