Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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