I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
