Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My penis needs a shock collar
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
