I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
