I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
