that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
never play flip cup with pint glasses
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
