just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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