I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
