I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
