It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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