i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
