So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
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