Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
