He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just threw up on my dentist
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
