I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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