No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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