He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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